Sitting in the dark

I'm not necessarily asking for company. I just want to speak what is on my mind.

Like I said, I have not made any promises about anything.
My biggest instinct is that I am blindly wrestling with someone over pride and maybe something else that I can't quite see yet.
I can't help but feel such a rush through my body that makes me battle for my defenses in a separate and solo state. It makes me want to just drop and forget everything.



My reality right now is very pathetic. My pride still not yet lost, but should a reality decide over pride? In my case, I have not yet given up and it is a tough battle of defense concerning the tactic that is used against me. It is what leads me back to an earlier complaint dealing with the issue of putting up a fight.

After all I've been through, I'm the type that likes to fight with wit, debate, reason, reasonable compromise/negotiation.
I hate how some think certain tactics are the determining factor of who really won a fight and how some things are used against a person even when it isn't relevant.

In a separate wired state of mind, an occurence happened that I continue to not make any comment over. I remain vague for my own sake. The comment that I will make is that it is an obvious loyalty but not a permanently promised one. And, again, that the occurence does not determine anything. I feel blinded by the occurence and can't really see who the definite identity is.
But I see it more as angry aggression and I want an explanation. I want the occurence to be defined.

I'm sitting and blindly wrestling in this darkness and I want to deal with it myself.

Not enough informing

I can tell something is going on, but do not know where anything is going.
The interview was ok. ~Keeping thoughts to myself~
There is following paranoia this time, and I wonder what really is going through people's minds. Usually, I continue to go about my day. Lately, because things have been so intense, it does bring me to wonder what some people are thinking. I don't want it to go to anyone's head either.
When I had to do an errand at staples, I randomly met a couple of Native American Indian dudes. It could have been a cheesy staged thing with racism, but I think we acted natural. They seem to be more happy about life than me, and I think they cattily appreciated me in some way. Maybe my support of their culture. They just now got the message that I care about their culture too.?. I don't know. But, it was nice to show mutual interest. I didn't really know much else to say after that. It wasn't necessary to have a full-fledged conversation or speech, but we're cool.
By the time I get a job, I don't think I will have enough time to catch up on bills. My next major chore is to research how to file for bankruptcy and call all of my bill collectors. It is going to be a heavy task. I think I will either wait until tomorrow or the next day to go through with it.
I need to be on my guard for the drooling slobbering sadists who most likely did rig and plan this.





I'll be ok. Things will take time, but I will be ok.