On my Back

Hey Justin D. I know you're around in some way or another... While I think I may have hurt you in one way with One Republic, I'm upset that you think I hurt you by denying your existence. Besides being upset at that, I feel a present possible betrayal. I know I have kept you betrayed pretty much the whole time. But, if I could think of a better way of wording it, I made the choice of Olga: I never made any effort to try to get you in my life. I ignored you. I lived in my own independence and my own little world. I kept anyone's dominance and ways of labeling or defining me denied. I didn't deny your existence and YES THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN IGNORING SOMEONE AND DENYING THEIR EXISTENCE. My walls have been up for a long time and they are starting to crash down and I'm not sure the way you are going to be charging through. I am giving you the personal credit of me being terrified of YOU. I'm starting to notice more in the TV world. (I really don't watch much TV)... I am now going to plan on watching the "Forever," show. I'm not sure what to expect. I'm not sure how much of a truth it is. You are the one who needs to identify yourself. Until then I've got you on my radar and I am guessing.

As the Sarah Turns: Feeling so Squeezed

The walls are closing in in a certain way, and I feel I can hardly breathe........Hmmm. I'll call you LB this time........... It isn't that I don't want LB. I just don't understand him. I think he is clearing some arbitrage up with me, but he still has me blind-sided with some things. I feel he wants to impossibly pigeon-hole me in a way where I can't win: the job, or him (possibly where I may not have him and he wants to rig me out). Sometimes, he makes me feel like I could be his Roxanne, but I'm not entirely convinced on that. I feel squeezed on both ends where it is impossible/acceptable/unacceptable to just play each other with different people: we are both players..... LB isn't an easy man to understand. He was making it hard to breathe and talk anyway. I don't know why we haven't actually spoken to each other and get real with each other. It is a game of distance.....I could go with my gut with some things I see already. But, is it that I should see it that way, or just see it for face value? Are we playfully and kindly playing a game of matador, or is there something about you, LB that I should catch on to? ................ Not everything I do is made to assume or read into. Some songs could be questioned but not taken too seriously. I'm guessing that everyone is in their own house of reps in one way or another in this instance. ............. I'm really not sold on anyone. I guess I could see myself as a player, flirt and someone who has interest.

Farmer Man, Stay Close

I'm seeing some signs today that I'm not sure about. You leave me in confusion......... Where do I start? Maybe you really are smiling over the Fergie "Clumsy" song. lol. I know I'm not the creator of it all, and wasn't really around during the time Fergie was going on. Josh Duhamel looks a little like Joe doesn't he? Joe really is an enemy of mine. I consider him as another grotesque predator; he has never won. We were never an item. That is my side of the story in a short, summed up way. I can't and won't be manipulated out of my truth. So, either you want to give me a negative sign with "Joe," or you are innocently ignorant........... Stay close to me Farmer Man. There is information about me that will not be ignored and it will never workout if you don't take me seriously. I have a lot of people in my life who corrupty, dominantly, sickingly egocentrically give themselves credit over anything and everything that I do. As if I was choosing them or doing something or living for them. Stay doubtful of people when you see this. My hesitance with you is, that I see the seagulls you have now with the "Mine mine mine mine mine" Like the seagulls have you owned and want to take the real credit you have from you (One person I see is Bree Ann Mackey and possibly Shawn D Atri). I have hated the constant harassment in my life. I am not responsible for the crackhead egocentric assumptions and judgement placed on me. Most of the time I ignore it. I am not the cleaning maid who lives to battle out and clean up every numerous shot call/ credit claim that is placed on me from day to day. I know part of the damnation in my life is because of how I react to people. Some authorities wrongfully hate me for refusing to be involved in the crackhead and egocentric gossip. They do blame me for the gossip of others I was never responsible for. I know this is a reason people keep me damned from having a job or keep me damned from other things. Farmer Man, I hope you don't get too arrogant on me for the little bit of emotional connection we have. I want to keep you around and don't want to lose you. I want you to get a little closer to me....waiting to see if you are going to come around for me......