My New Boyfriend

(Colin, in getting real with myself, I really don't think I have any serious kind of chance with you.) (I know I don't know you well either, and maybe it could be a good thing). Any way, if you are wanting to be my protector against Jon in some way, I am appreciative. It looks like I'm getting a reaction out of him this time, and it is probably a reaction that I or someone else has gotten out of him before: Calvin Harris, "Bottle Popping." Maybe he has his own backwards demands and begging? I don't care. During the millions of times he cheated on me, most of the cheats were never the impression of it being because I was the cheater first. I do not believe in polygamy. If he was being monogamous in the most least believable way; I seriously was not sold into believing I was his number one. So what I'm trying to say (to a sportscaster who will always be prone to having an eye for fairness) .... It isn't fair for him to put some kind of guilt trip on me, or to manipulate me back to him. Knowing the devil that he is, he should know the devil that he is!!!!!! .......My general overall view is that sometimes I find relief when people believe in having fairness in relationships. However, players and gamers can go too far sometimes. I will always think that relationships should be about the actual person you want to be with the most. Sometimes, it seems that the games and structure of it all will always matter more than that person one supposedly wants to be with. So many times I find myself saying "Why won't you just admit that you don't like me?" Something along those lines. There obviously is a different underlying issue or prejudice and sometimes people just don't know when to get real. I know we are talking literal sports here, but I'm sure you have some kind of opinion on relationships too. You definitely seem to be the quieter type, but I'm thinking you really have your eye on someone else. I'd just thought I'd say "hey," anyway and be appreciative of you if you really are being protective of me.

On my Back

Hey Justin D. I know you're around in some way or another... While I think I may have hurt you in one way with One Republic, I'm upset that you think I hurt you by denying your existence. Besides being upset at that, I feel a present possible betrayal. I know I have kept you betrayed pretty much the whole time. But, if I could think of a better way of wording it, I made the choice of Olga: I never made any effort to try to get you in my life. I ignored you. I lived in my own independence and my own little world. I kept anyone's dominance and ways of labeling or defining me denied. I didn't deny your existence and YES THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN IGNORING SOMEONE AND DENYING THEIR EXISTENCE. My walls have been up for a long time and they are starting to crash down and I'm not sure the way you are going to be charging through. I am giving you the personal credit of me being terrified of YOU. I'm starting to notice more in the TV world. (I really don't watch much TV)... I am now going to plan on watching the "Forever," show. I'm not sure what to expect. I'm not sure how much of a truth it is. You are the one who needs to identify yourself. Until then I've got you on my radar and I am guessing.

As the Sarah Turns: Feeling so Squeezed

The walls are closing in in a certain way, and I feel I can hardly breathe........Hmmm. I'll call you LB this time........... It isn't that I don't want LB. I just don't understand him. I think he is clearing some arbitrage up with me, but he still has me blind-sided with some things. I feel he wants to impossibly pigeon-hole me in a way where I can't win: the job, or him (possibly where I may not have him and he wants to rig me out). Sometimes, he makes me feel like I could be his Roxanne, but I'm not entirely convinced on that. I feel squeezed on both ends where it is impossible/acceptable/unacceptable to just play each other with different people: we are both players..... LB isn't an easy man to understand. He was making it hard to breathe and talk anyway. I don't know why we haven't actually spoken to each other and get real with each other. It is a game of distance.....I could go with my gut with some things I see already. But, is it that I should see it that way, or just see it for face value? Are we playfully and kindly playing a game of matador, or is there something about you, LB that I should catch on to? ................ Not everything I do is made to assume or read into. Some songs could be questioned but not taken too seriously. I'm guessing that everyone is in their own house of reps in one way or another in this instance. ............. I'm really not sold on anyone. I guess I could see myself as a player, flirt and someone who has interest.

Farmer Man, Stay Close

I'm seeing some signs today that I'm not sure about. You leave me in confusion......... Where do I start? Maybe you really are smiling over the Fergie "Clumsy" song. lol. I know I'm not the creator of it all, and wasn't really around during the time Fergie was going on. Josh Duhamel looks a little like Joe doesn't he? Joe really is an enemy of mine. I consider him as another grotesque predator; he has never won. We were never an item. That is my side of the story in a short, summed up way. I can't and won't be manipulated out of my truth. So, either you want to give me a negative sign with "Joe," or you are innocently ignorant........... Stay close to me Farmer Man. There is information about me that will not be ignored and it will never workout if you don't take me seriously. I have a lot of people in my life who corrupty, dominantly, sickingly egocentrically give themselves credit over anything and everything that I do. As if I was choosing them or doing something or living for them. Stay doubtful of people when you see this. My hesitance with you is, that I see the seagulls you have now with the "Mine mine mine mine mine" Like the seagulls have you owned and want to take the real credit you have from you (One person I see is Bree Ann Mackey and possibly Shawn D Atri). I have hated the constant harassment in my life. I am not responsible for the crackhead egocentric assumptions and judgement placed on me. Most of the time I ignore it. I am not the cleaning maid who lives to battle out and clean up every numerous shot call/ credit claim that is placed on me from day to day. I know part of the damnation in my life is because of how I react to people. Some authorities wrongfully hate me for refusing to be involved in the crackhead and egocentric gossip. They do blame me for the gossip of others I was never responsible for. I know this is a reason people keep me damned from having a job or keep me damned from other things. Farmer Man, I hope you don't get too arrogant on me for the little bit of emotional connection we have. I want to keep you around and don't want to lose you. I want you to get a little closer to me....waiting to see if you are going to come around for me......

Good and bad and good and bad news

Edward, Although it has been made to be normalized and there have been times I have had no choice to give in, I am still mad that you haven't literally called me and talked to me. The good and bad of the Kaiser Chiefs and the God complex that comes with it. When the Kaiser Chiefs should understand to let go of making giants out of themselves to talk to their wanted through the wanted's small window in a skyscraper. How bigger he is than the skyscraper just besides the window. I hate structure too, but does some (real reverse structures) have to be so ridiculous or extreme about communication? This is how I smell a man's intimidation or fear. Maybe I am being manipulative because I just can't seem to find a more effective way of coming across to you.......... The thought of "The Police," though was sweet. The song just can't grow old. It'd be a shame if you did abuse the song too much and make it grow old for the literal time that won't be spent. Don't know whether that statement was good or bad. The good news is I am happy that you are somewhat here, but I'm not necessarily laying my life down. Another good news is, I remember the time you kissed me in the car when we were at the stoplight and I can guess what that was about. You know you know you have a good idea of what I want (bashfully agreeing I want my own Carlos). You knew my sincere freeness and you knew you didn't have to give me money for my sincere affection. You appreciated my appreciation. xoxo............ The bad.......... Your unfairness. I did notice the way you questioned and/or accused me with some specific people or things. Edward, you really are classified as a new one. No matter how much structure some men have together, I can make my own choices any time that I want to of ignoring, overlooking, or acknowledging anything that I want to. Your persistence does show some integrity that: you don't know some things about me. I'm not sure if you understand which threat you do bring with some persistence. Maybe you are pure in heart and really have some kind of possessiveness or jealousy where you do not like the idea or want me to be a swinger as either a straight or bisexual slut. Maybe this is about pushing me to compromise where you do want me to be a bisexual swinger for your own self-seeking. You want me to give up on my green eggs and ham fit and say that every woman won and I never denied any woman. I will not compromise. I do consider some women to be my nigger rapists. I consider some men in being nigger rapists as well. My mind has been made up with green eggs and ham. Although some very rapist violent and piggish men want to argue tooth and nail with it and lie about my truth; there are still differences between being raped/robbed vs. me being the one to seriously give in, and accepting anyone and everyone's green eggs and ham. Edward, you already made the choice to not call me at all. Not even on Christmas. Not even on my birthday. I did take it as maybe I really just am a one night stand. The truth is, I still miss you and do want you to make literal effort and action to keep in touch in a normal way, but some men just go and ruin it for the way things have to be done their way. You can just call me Ruby for now. I can take some burns and then I decide when I don't take anymore. I really wasn't meaning to burn you this past weekend. It was just another fling in my eyes. I can guess at the love square I am in right now with you, me, Erin, and Travis. I do not want a foursome. Erin is still an enemy and will always be one. I still am suspicious you could wanting to gangrape me for her sake or that you are into the both of us. Travis? I still don't know him well enough and your present luck is that it is still easier to be easy with you than it is with him......................... I really do hate the way I have to be so straight forward, but I also hate the way I feel you keep threatening my overall will to live and my sexual will to live with either lies or exploits.......Maybe you were just on a mission to show me some gossip with how some connections are made with some people. Do you really see me as a step-parent Edward? Who is my Bruce? Maybe that is why they called you a teenager or saved you from being murdered by speaking a possible X-rated truth. I really don't want to know. I don't care to know about the Kardashian's at all. ......... How can we end this on a good note Edward? It can't be completely good because of the mean control freak you are or an intentional destroyer you want to be. There is a difference and I can't tell which one you are. You can call me Ruby for now.

Some eyes on Me

And I am feeling a little more suffocated. If there were someone to give into, it is impossible to give in. I wouldn't know how to give into someone if I were suppose to. Tom, I am taking another hint from you. Nothing to say about it. other secrets I keep......hmmmmmm....... I think someone is getting a little more aggressive on me, but not sure if he gets they way he is impossible at this point. Walls are closing in in ways that don't make sense. Maybe he is just being fun and games or maybe he is seriously angry and vulgar. He is just too impossible. I am a cat up in a tree.

Blind as BatBoy

I hate that I have to say your name a little more........ Farmer Man. I'm sorry I don't know your real name. Am I really your mail-order bride? In one route I could see myself a little in Fergie's "Clumsy," song. but.......... I'm on my guard. If you did want to get even closer and release the tensions of you possibly being a predator wolf to embarrass me on purpose, I'd play along and let myself go a little for you. "El Dorado," It really could be intended for either of us. You might have a revenge for the time I was with both you farmer men and I had a thing for Jon at the time..... You didn't seem interested. You didn't seem interested at a second later time I saw you at the bar. I was the one who was being the fool then anyway. Why couldn't you just count that as your revenge? I think it is boyish to want revenge and humiliate me. You also looked like you had a thing for Brittany at the casino; and you're probably mad at what I said to you and the arbitrage for your stares and desperate judgment. I think that is why, nevermind........No matter what you think; I know I'll always be straight. Maybe you really are very possessive and jealous and took whatever conversations they were too far..... Maybe you punkish farmer boy, really does have a thing for my "hobo" crafter. Maybe you think I'm your sexy type and maybe I could be. You know what else? I got more of that farmer fresh juice at the market because it is one of the best I have found yet. (V8 nothing personal, your juice isn't 100%) Farmer man, you can or can't take it to your head, but I'm getting that juice no matter what you think. I'm putting my party dress on this weekend. If you did want to go out and bar hop and party this weekend I would be open to having fun with you too. If you are out to embarrass me, don't think I'll go home and put on the other "party dress." Don't you think you can make a limp woman out of me. Don't think you'll make a gutter woman out of me either.