God Bless Me

Where do I begin? It looks like there are more walls and darkness now. I have some trust for Joel, but I'm not completely on his side. God bless me regardless of what Joel thinks God should do. I know Tom is leaving me guessing. Hmmmmmm. For today and however long,... it looks like me in a burka with a tapping stick blind people use. I believe he wants to kill me although he leaves me guessing as to whether he is out to be a white knight or wants my blood. I wonder what is really up with Vampires. I'm not intentionally being cute, but it is like there is something people should believe when there are connections made with vampires. How the fiction is somehow real. He seems more in Samuri mode than Vampire mode to me. Maybe I am getting what I am asking for: If I am always expected to be subjected or enslaved and I'd rather be dead, maybe Tom wants to put me out of my misery. He has a few conflicting signs right now. I believe he is against me more than for me. I know the truth I've already proved when he or someone else tests me with subjectivity. If people have won with damning my life that much and I will most likely be trusted as a serious enemy because I will not bow, the long popular vote of Gadaffi's win overall will put me to death because of the power in numbers. Well, I can only wait from here. If I do die, I wish for the best for Mitzi. I do not want my parents or my sister and David to take care of her. I do not want any of my extended family to take care of her. I'd want Joel to be the one to find a loving adoptive family for her. I never asked to be tested the way I was to begin with. This is the consequences of testing me constantly in the several violent ways I have been tested. All of my decisions with some men will not be decided for now. Too many walls. Too dark to see. There are several signs I will not look at for the sake I will not be tested and I STILL KNOW WHAT MY TRUTH IS. I do not know which psycho out there is being the most dominate psycho now, but that is what they are to me: A P-S-Y-C-H-O