In your bondage

David, .... Did you really give me that nightmare last night? It was like I woke up from it before I could wake up from it and it was scary. It was like I woke up and my room was pitch black. I tried to open my window and couldn't see, then darted for my door and flipped the switch, and then I panicked much harder because I was still blind and everything was black. Then, I woke up actually the second time. I'm glad that you like that I believe in God and don't mind at all. Are you a Christian? How devout would you consider yourself? I still don't like my sister and however you want us to communally get along. Although we both save face; I call myself a serious enemy of my sister..... I'm glad that you are with me in some way. I know I don't completely understand you... When I'm in my Flirt4Free chat room, it really is fun and games with nothing serious about it. I get horny sometimes because of my own sexual atmosphere. I definitely get horny when you seem to be around. Besides you having your occasionally suspicious jealousy, do you use either job against me? Are you mad at the job I have in being a dancer? Do you have your own way of making up "my unsaid idle tongue," where you would use my job against me? I'm not understanding what all your dominate actions are, if you could be meaning to test me, whatever way you mean to test me. David, do you have something you mean to say? You mean to have a jealous dominate anger that I don't completely understand? Is it just specific suspicions, or the whole caboodle? the actual job itself? .... Please don't make me too confused with who or what you are or what your actions say or you could verbally want to say. I really hope you're not being unfair or having a seriously mean double standard where I'm barely even cheating at all. xoxo

Random Thoughts and Drama

This past week and weekend has been tough. Business is sometimes unpredictable in the dancing world and this week was one of those bad weeks. People must be too busy with summer winding down and fall being started. Anyway, although I already hate having to work 4 days in a row, I have no other choice to pick up an extra shift tonight. Although I don't plan on waking up extremely early tomorrow, I am still losing my beauty rest. I'll have to have some extra caffeine which probably is a reason for having so much anxiety and insomnia. I'm so excited for vacation. It has been YEARS since I have been to the beach. I was lucky to have been able to treat myself to my Canadian vacation a few months ago. The road trip with Mitzi is going to be an interesting one. It will be a little over 5 hours. I'm not sure how well my 3 year old will handle it. I did get my own beach cd burned. I love a fresh burned cd. I'm excited for the crafting season this year too. I wish I had more projects accomplished, but I still have a good number under my belt. lol. whatever expression I could say it. ............. Travel and Leisure. skipped a few articles, but some I just had to read. I don't know if Mike from WVU is seriously making a serious pass at me, or someone is dolling us around. I found out that he is one of my "Toronto" men. Ha! lol Awe, he is sweet if he is being around to support me in some ways. We haven't really kept in touch in literal ways since the fling a few months back. He is still on my good side......... Playing on...David Duchovny. He is a random surprise. I don't know where he came from. I don't really know what to say. Is he seriously being very serious with me? What did I do to get his attention or interest? Why does he want me? If he really is that serious and really loves me that much, what did I do to win him? Do I really have him won effortlessly? Maybe he has a few tactics to just want to get in my panties. lol. I don't know. He is a lot to look up. I never realized how many movies and TV shows he was in. He is also a musician. More famous than I realized. .... so much going on and so much on my mind I may have forgotten to bring something up. My mind is full and full of questions and curiosity. ...getting ready soon to get to work. Hopefully tonight will be much better and make up for the crappy week........

Waiting Out or Don Draper no chance despair?

I continue on in wanting to find out more about you. I'm a little angry at how things go and the way it sometimes seems that storylines are too made up or just far out. I know I sometimes get emotionally carried away myself sometimes whether or not it is fair to the other person of interest that I'm interested in. However, I am usually not the one who makes up a lot of stories. I always do everything and anything I can to communicate. (I guess so in most cases. I can be secretive). A prime example of someone making me up: Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I thought it was funny, but I had a little anger. Did I really have 2 boyfriends who seriously cared and gave themselves that much of a real life credit? I never even knew I had a boyfriend. While I still feel on the bottom with you, and you having questionable extents of credibility with Ben Affleck, and possibly Scott Disick, are you that emotionally carried away? Did you see us in a relationship, already having me, and everything is already ruined? Whatever Steve. It just isn't fair. I may have let you down in the past because I wasn't awake to you enough, nor smart enough to catch onto you to be more interested and pay more attention. I know I'm not completely understanding your tangible silence or intangible talk....... Maybe you are waiting for me to watch more of your movies. Maybe I really have no chance at all. Maybe you are my personalized Don Draper, and I am your personalized Megan and I have a chance. While I can't make myself seriously believe anything, I care to care. And no, Chance Chapman is not another person I am meaning to talk to when I talk to you. I am only looking at you right now Steve.

Don't know how to play it safe

Hi James. You want to be my friend, don't you? Although you have scored some points with me, you also gave me reasons to run from you. Arbitrage arbitrage arbitrage. I think you know the main man that I'm presently attracted to. I still want him. BUT I don't know how to play it safe. He does have a long term girlfriend who he has brought up and seems to stick with. Therefore, it should be fair to continue to say that there are other fish in the sea and to share whatever and anything I would want to share with someone. Besides the aspect of that fairness, is another aspect of unfairness. Silent games, secrets, and the continued unexplained mystery of messages and visuals in one's mind and head. Questionable telepathy. There is no fairness or safety in it. The devil's got a gun in my mind alright. I had such a nightmare the other night and I'm so upset about it. Although it was just a dream, I have never felt so off guard and caught by surprise. It was a death threat of what would happen if I did get seduced by him. I don't feel safe in either giving in to him or not giving in to him and the possible way the arbitrage would carry on and pass the buck to you. He does seem like he wants to be on my good side, and the sign with you today is another thing to convince me that he wants to be on my good side, but I feel the threat is still there and I don't know why. That is the main thing: I don't know why. I could get on my knees and cry for my life, but what if he or someone else would twist it to say that I'm saying I'm sorry for something I'll never be sorry for? I'm lost with him. I don't want to be deceived or lied about. .................. McDonalds. Do you or him think all talk is cheap or your talk is cheap or that it is just another thing taken out of context? I don't mind hearing your 2 cents out of what you thought about with the humility of working at McDonalds with your status. In some ways I can agree with what you are trying to say, and in another way, I disagree. Some people do work to earn better or other skills and qualifications in whatever field and shouldn't feel inhibited in pursuing their interests. In my personal life, my main objective is directed more at something else. I know people do have prejudices and jealousies. I know the way I was violently treated by some people and management. Yes, I am too good to be: treated like a dog, intentionally over-under-estimated and expected to prove myself in the worst way, made to be a subjected victim to another persons lie's, rumors, or will to control my life. People always crossed the line with socialism where it was never relevant to the job to begin with. I never know who anyone ever thought they were to want to control me, judge me, or threaten my everyday life and the choices that I made as a person. People were never right to disrespect me, dog me, and treat me the way they treated me. YES I AM ABOVE ALL OF THE ABOVE. .......... People can try to switch subjects or change the agenda all they want, but there is a truth that will still always be there. I guess I'm a little more satisfied when people dodge or run rather than insist they were right to dog me, but it doesn't change the history that has already been made. ............ I'm not completely sure what to think of you James. I am going to make myself watch "The Interview," but it really isn't something I've been looking forward to. Besides that, you and you know who have me curious. I don't want a threesome or orgy.

Colin

Am I seeing things, or am I seeing things? Some things are more convincible than others. I could have a sociopath messing with my head right now, but I'll go with the flow anyway. Christian Laetner. Your name of the night. Laetner, Late. I'm guessing that it could be an apology: who are you to judge me with "Florida," when you are too late. I know some people can take things their own way, and this is the way that I would take your name game. ha! lol. Introduction to the friends and family who probably aren't the literal real people either. lol. ha. Right now you're in the middle of too less and too much, but sometimes I don't like to use my imagination too much. "Florida." First off, I don't always like the paranoia with code names and when people don't always know when to take me figuratively or literal. Florida is the place where I would like to take Mitzi on vacation this year. I'm thinking the Florida Keys. I'm not sure if I want Disney to be the first vacation. I'm not too crazy on Disney. I think they may have a few crackheads or capitalist loyalists who gang up on someone. If I ever take her to Disney, Disney will be the picked over vacation spot. Besides being far off on a different rabbit trail, is back to Florida. I'm not a hypocrite or one-sided with "one can't take real actions back in time." When something is said or done, something is said or done. I know I'm not a real prostitute, or have ever made any real actions of being a prostitute. Sometimes, it is the heart of the matter. While there are ways that I will always be mad at the world, I still believe in snowflakes. Not everyone is the same. Although a person can't always control their anger, feelings, or burned out bias with someone else in an earlier life, it isn't ok to displace those feelings on someone else or make someone a problem they never were. Some capitalism can be unfair, and the trust issue is not always easy, and can be a greatly complex matter. You have betrayed my trust in some ways, but in other ways I feel I can trust you. I don't know how to describe it. You just seem nicer and softer. I still have my doubts with you in that I have uncertainty in how much I could have you, or you could want me. It means something for you to stay persistent with me and that I could be something else to you. I'm not sure if you have completely removed your threat of me being second "seeded." You womanizer. Although I can warm up to you again and come back around, I'm not completely sold out and have my hesitations. I may have the available time to watch some of your show tmw. You'll be on my mind until then.

This might hurt

..... I have yet to talk about the fact that you look like Justin and the "Fonzi," connection. I'm afraid to know the truth with that. When it comes to simple terms, I had a crush on the DJ, then on D Atri, and then on the DJ again. I was never official with any of them, and the crush I had on the DJ comes and goes. Zooey Dashcenel, did give me more of a hint the other day, and I can't help but wonder more about you. I don't want to know but I can't go on in ignorance either. Everything is fun and games until someone finds out a little more info. There was a night that the DJ gave me a pretty brutal, hateful, criticism. I wasn't always sure what was seriously going on in his end. My DJ'd response was: "Spirit in the Sky," and "Breaking the Girl." His tyrant obsession bit really hard. Is it that you think the same thing he does, or was he just speaking for D'Atri? I know I'm not understanding what all of your dominate aggression is. I'm guessing you are giving me several good vibes, but I'm not sure where or how we started and where it is you want to go. I'm afraid to know more about you and what you're thinking...

Colin

I'm not talking myself up too much that you're mine (I hate that I have to be so defensive like that)(I question if you are being lied about as the arrogant man you supposedly could be. I think some people could be making some stuff up about you)... I am assuming you are just as much of a player as any other man. I think there is a rivalry going on between you and Jon fighting over me. You're the one that I would most willingly pick between the two, and I'm not meaning to make you jealous. Maybe you are wanting to be my James Bond. I feel like I'm already over murdered by Jon. I know he plays dumb too much. Even though I know I'm attracted to you, I wish I could trust you more. Although I'm still gungho in my snowflake war, I don't want to feel like I'm jumping from one problem into another very similar one..... In one side thought, I think John Atchison may still be trying to mark me as his, but I deny him all the way. I'm mad at his lies and the credit that he thinks he has. ... Anyway, I thought I'd say hey, and see you around later.