Running around blind

I'm still not your fool at heart right now..... Whatever else you could be trying to say isn't clear enough. ... The deal is you want me to lose weight and be skinny for you? Another juggernaut smack. You're making me stay hooked to you and I'm in a lot of pain. You're being a mean player and I don't think we could ever make a relationship out of what we are. I would assume that you have a thing for Gillian anyway. You look like you are breaking a sweat for her and have feelings for her. I know you have denied her a couple of times in the media. Is it that you are reacting in your own jealousy? Do you feel that I have cheated on you more than you ever cheated on me? It hurts so much that you continue to play some of the same games and you just don't want to let me go. If I owed you an apology in cheating and do have something to make up to you, it is something I could have done at one time. But, when you get your revenge and continue on in the cheating game, you make it impossible for me to apologize and make it up to you. The juggernaut you are scars me so deeply. You make things worse where I feel I could never apologize. When you make me feel tricked and fooled enough, I have a great hesitance in having an apology and playing the fool as if things could ever change...I have nothing but the same answers and being forced to be and stay in an open relationship is too much for me to emotionally handle. You're so mean to keep me hooked to you. I hate whatever game we're in. I have no idea where you want to go or where you are going with me. You know you still have me in some ways and can make me break a sweat and have emotional feelings for you, but I know I am consciously making the choice to not be your fool and believe in you. I don't know what you want or whatever else it is that you want to get at. I am in pain.

Hey Valentine

I don't get you and I'm sorry that I don't get you. I'm too tired and weak right now. I really find it doubtful that I have cheated on you more than you have cheated on me. You probably still have a couple of women your keeping played and strung along with me. I don't like some of your present signs with your associations. Are you really crying for me and mad for me? You look like you have a lot of mixed emotions. While I'm weak, I'm still in my own sadness because even if I may have a piece of you, I feel strung along. I feel like you want to continue to be unfairly possessive of me and be the same pattern of so many other men. It's like your mad and want to punish me and make me your slave at the same time of you possibly be wanting to protect me of something else... I can understand so much but I feel so love sick. I'm sorry if I cheated on you and let you down more than you did with me, but I have a feeling you're more of a bad guy and probable betrayer than I am. Maybe in your mixed feelings you have resentment and regret of the bad guy you were against me, but I am still weak, confused, and that I don't understand you and what it is you want. You're not the first guy who has forced me to stay stuck on him and refuse to let me get over him. You make me feel so love sick. I know there is a part of me that isn't over you yet, but if you're not my match of a man, I need you to stop refusing to let me get over you.

1st guesses, 2nd guesses

TAKING A GUESS. .... My first guess was either: 1. THE Boogie Man Coach could (further either) a. be serious ~I'm (ME) the TSA bitch~ b. be wanting me to run into his knife, his fist, or something... 2. Being pranked by some pranksters. If the truth is 1A, I keep it at our somewhat personal discretion and have no further comment for now and something for him to find out on his own. ............. My second guess is that someone is intentionally fucking with both the coach and I and giving us both a death threat. and wanting to turn me onto his jealousy. hmph. I know what some of my whiplashes are, but I am given 3 suspects of the death threat, and have no clue what their whiplashes are. What is David to expect of me when he makes me believe he is bisexual and into orgies? (The visual David gave yesterday looked pretty dominate and threatening but I continue to call the bluff of it all). David wants to fake it to make it for some reason if it is him... The other suspect is Trevor, military man from Morgantown. He knows my drill though. What makes Trevor different than the rest of the men who want to play me with my enemies? (I can't see him being subjective against me in my own sight). It is the fact that some women he chose (Erin and Bree Ann) have been serious criminal sex offenders before. What makes Trevor different?... The other suspect is the Navy Seal dude whom I still don't have much info on and is being unfairly possessive of me....... If there is a different man other than that who is giving us a death threat, he isn't being obvious with his identity enough.

Guessing in the Dark

Something is going on with someone or some people. There is a rage I can't guess out. While Tom may be coming off as a "hero," I'm not trusting anything. Tom and Jon are my 2 main suspects. It looks as if someone else is the prime target of a suspect, but he is very much of a stranger that I think could be arbitraged as Chris Z. Jim, Bob, and Chris Z are probably included in what is going on too. The last time the electric went out; it was Jon who was looming as the death threat and terrorist. Jon was always too impossible and there is no way out of Jon on my end. I have no apology in regards to what I said against his ignorances and totalitarianism. I had my own ugly talk that I'm not sorry for. Whether or not he will admit it enough, Jon knows he never won with me and never will. I guess I can only wait on how many more of whatever my days are numbered...... When looking at you; it is possible to have some suspicion, but I'm not sold on believing you are my bad guy. If you are being evil; I have a difficult time in believing in your evilness. I don't think you have AIDS. I think Tom and Jon do and passing on their disease is their death threat. Maybe Jim, Bob, and Chris conspire to bring Jon and Tom on me more. I'm pretty lost with whatever is going on in the dark. .......... I'm glad to see more positive signs from you in the media. I'm glad you smile. It takes away most suspicion of you being a cheater. I'm still stressed and have some doubt where you are cheating and aren't planning on being done with cheating. What if you do value one more or pay another more than me? Are you trying to pull the topic of prostitution and "what is love" back on me? I'm just strictly talking being a stripper and when a cheat looks like a cheat. You gave signs and sought back after me again, but YOU TELL ME whether or not I am being naïve that you value and want me the most and are done with cheating. Being naïve really isn't something I want to think about. I want to get over it and just be happily won with you. There is still some wonder and doubt. I can only keep taking each day as it comes. I will be mad if you continue to lead me on with no point. I'm sold on believing you want me and want me to want you.

In your bondage

David, .... Did you really give me that nightmare last night? It was like I woke up from it before I could wake up from it and it was scary. It was like I woke up and my room was pitch black. I tried to open my window and couldn't see, then darted for my door and flipped the switch, and then I panicked much harder because I was still blind and everything was black. Then, I woke up actually the second time. I'm glad that you like that I believe in God and don't mind at all. Are you a Christian? How devout would you consider yourself? I still don't like my sister and however you want us to communally get along. Although we both save face; I call myself a serious enemy of my sister..... I'm glad that you are with me in some way. I know I don't completely understand you... When I'm in my Flirt4Free chat room, it really is fun and games with nothing serious about it. I get horny sometimes because of my own sexual atmosphere. I definitely get horny when you seem to be around. Besides you having your occasionally suspicious jealousy, do you use either job against me? Are you mad at the job I have in being a dancer? Do you have your own way of making up "my unsaid idle tongue," where you would use my job against me? I'm not understanding what all your dominate actions are, if you could be meaning to test me, whatever way you mean to test me. David, do you have something you mean to say? You mean to have a jealous dominate anger that I don't completely understand? Is it just specific suspicions, or the whole caboodle? the actual job itself? .... Please don't make me too confused with who or what you are or what your actions say or you could verbally want to say. I really hope you're not being unfair or having a seriously mean double standard where I'm barely even cheating at all. xoxo

Random Thoughts and Drama

This past week and weekend has been tough. Business is sometimes unpredictable in the dancing world and this week was one of those bad weeks. People must be too busy with summer winding down and fall being started. Anyway, although I already hate having to work 4 days in a row, I have no other choice to pick up an extra shift tonight. Although I don't plan on waking up extremely early tomorrow, I am still losing my beauty rest. I'll have to have some extra caffeine which probably is a reason for having so much anxiety and insomnia. I'm so excited for vacation. It has been YEARS since I have been to the beach. I was lucky to have been able to treat myself to my Canadian vacation a few months ago. The road trip with Mitzi is going to be an interesting one. It will be a little over 5 hours. I'm not sure how well my 3 year old will handle it. I did get my own beach cd burned. I love a fresh burned cd. I'm excited for the crafting season this year too. I wish I had more projects accomplished, but I still have a good number under my belt. lol. whatever expression I could say it. ............. Travel and Leisure. skipped a few articles, but some I just had to read. I don't know if Mike from WVU is seriously making a serious pass at me, or someone is dolling us around. I found out that he is one of my "Toronto" men. Ha! lol Awe, he is sweet if he is being around to support me in some ways. We haven't really kept in touch in literal ways since the fling a few months back. He is still on my good side......... Playing on...David Duchovny. He is a random surprise. I don't know where he came from. I don't really know what to say. Is he seriously being very serious with me? What did I do to get his attention or interest? Why does he want me? If he really is that serious and really loves me that much, what did I do to win him? Do I really have him won effortlessly? Maybe he has a few tactics to just want to get in my panties. lol. I don't know. He is a lot to look up. I never realized how many movies and TV shows he was in. He is also a musician. More famous than I realized. .... so much going on and so much on my mind I may have forgotten to bring something up. My mind is full and full of questions and curiosity. ...getting ready soon to get to work. Hopefully tonight will be much better and make up for the crappy week........

Waiting Out or Don Draper no chance despair?

I continue on in wanting to find out more about you. I'm a little angry at how things go and the way it sometimes seems that storylines are too made up or just far out. I know I sometimes get emotionally carried away myself sometimes whether or not it is fair to the other person of interest that I'm interested in. However, I am usually not the one who makes up a lot of stories. I always do everything and anything I can to communicate. (I guess so in most cases. I can be secretive). A prime example of someone making me up: Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I thought it was funny, but I had a little anger. Did I really have 2 boyfriends who seriously cared and gave themselves that much of a real life credit? I never even knew I had a boyfriend. While I still feel on the bottom with you, and you having questionable extents of credibility with Ben Affleck, and possibly Scott Disick, are you that emotionally carried away? Did you see us in a relationship, already having me, and everything is already ruined? Whatever Steve. It just isn't fair. I may have let you down in the past because I wasn't awake to you enough, nor smart enough to catch onto you to be more interested and pay more attention. I know I'm not completely understanding your tangible silence or intangible talk....... Maybe you are waiting for me to watch more of your movies. Maybe I really have no chance at all. Maybe you are my personalized Don Draper, and I am your personalized Megan and I have a chance. While I can't make myself seriously believe anything, I care to care. And no, Chance Chapman is not another person I am meaning to talk to when I talk to you. I am only looking at you right now Steve.