How much ever of a real chance I have

Where do I start? I'll have to start with a "no" I know it is only defined as mind sex and there is not much of a choice in mind sex either. What is the point in saying "no" really?...... Travis, I see the deadgiveaway of the pre-resistant I am. You're not classified as a Jackass entirely. You see no problem with being "the ringmaster" or the existence of ring "dogs." In the most literal sense; we are not entirely on the same page. If anything, I take a good look at you to assume you are a swinger, and take off running that much more. I already feel in trouble with some people and I don't want to get anymore deeper into a swinging scenario. You're officially married, and while David is single, I would be jumping from one problem to the other. So what about all of the titles of relationship status and all of the other rules? Why control your lust or emotions over a real said title? BECAUSE I DO AND I DO PREFER TO PLAY IT SAFE. Yes, my feathers are very ruffled. Maybe I could be too lost in another arbitrage with you and David where you are supposed to be representing David, but I just can't assume it like that. Maybe I do have to accept a compliment from David that I could be one of his best dirty secrets and you want some of it. You also look a little like Jim, and this is not a good thing. If you were supposed to be the local Travis, Travis would have represented himself, unless he is a hardcore capitalist prostituted swinger who is very carefree about being a swinger and "sharing the wealth." So, I ran my mouth a little with Mr. Barilla in living a life of hard oppression. Cheap, weak talk. So maybe you hear me scream and maybe you want to "be a good Samaritan" against David. You're a married man and it is going from one problem to another. I may not be helping myself away from you with the deadgiveaway of a resistant and polar opposite of a woman I am. You may be the typical guy who will take my bitch slap as something to sacrifice and turn on me with his own arrogance and ego with: "it's not that I even want you that much," and I'm the over assumptive one. What I see is what I get, and as much as a turn on you are and the way you have a literally undeniable life to brag about; NO. I don't want to make my own personal "As the Sarah Turns," any more dangerous than it already is.

short current chat

David, I'm seeing a lot of domestic ~you and me together~ signs today and I'm not liking all of the silences, gaps, and the way things seem to be typically laid off. You may eventually answer some questions, but I'm still not liking the looks of things. Urban Dictionary is my biggest problem. If spwl came from you, the other message REALLY must have come from you. THE FIRST TIME IT CAME FROM A DAVE, IT WAS OVER STACY AND DURING A SPAT AND SEPARATION OF US. YOU THREATENED MY LIFE FOR THAT LOW LIFE RAPACIOUS SHITBAG VAIN CARCASS. HOWEVER I BECAME YOUR MAIN THING I DON'T KNOW BECAUSE YOU WERE NEVER CLEAR OR VISIBLE ENOUGH FOR ME TO UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH YOU BETRAYED ME IN THAT INSTANCE. PRESENTLY, it looks like you have high suspicions of Shawn Shaffer. He could be looking out for me BUT WHAT ON EARTH WERE YOU THINKING WHEN YOU THREATENED THE LIFE OF MY DAUGHTER? YOU ARE SO LOW. YOU KNOW YOUR FASCISM IS PREJUDICES ARE UNFAIR. YOU'RE STILL NOT LETTING ME IN TO WHATEVER THE FUCK YOUR REDS ARE. YOU REALLY SEEM TO BE ON TOP OF ME, STOCKHOLMING, AND BEING POSSESSIVE OF ME RIGHT NOW. If there is anything I am most suspicious of right now is your fascist prostitution and you wanting to gang up on and use me for yourself. It's like I can't believe in any love at all and you are out for your own fascist jealousy and SABOTAGE. I know you're still red, and other than that, I'm not going to move another muscle. I submit to you because of your reds and violence. I haven't caught up with Dale in the media yet (I did threaten Earnhardts name HA! ) but you need to think more ABOUT WHAT IS IN A REAL WIN. YOU NEED TO THINK MORE OF THE GADAFFI CONCEPT AND WHATEVER WIN YOU THINK IS IN LIES TOO. While I do believe in my own sense of supremacy I GET THAT IT HAS NO EFFECT ON YOU. I'm so far from my weapon.

Running around blind

I'm still not your fool at heart right now..... Whatever else you could be trying to say isn't clear enough. ... The deal is you want me to lose weight and be skinny for you? Another juggernaut smack. You're making me stay hooked to you and I'm in a lot of pain. You're being a mean player and I don't think we could ever make a relationship out of what we are. I would assume that you have a thing for Gillian anyway. You look like you are breaking a sweat for her and have feelings for her. I know you have denied her a couple of times in the media. Is it that you are reacting in your own jealousy? Do you feel that I have cheated on you more than you ever cheated on me? It hurts so much that you continue to play some of the same games and you just don't want to let me go. If I owed you an apology in cheating and do have something to make up to you, it is something I could have done at one time. But, when you get your revenge and continue on in the cheating game, you make it impossible for me to apologize and make it up to you. The juggernaut you are scars me so deeply. You make things worse where I feel I could never apologize. When you make me feel tricked and fooled enough, I have a great hesitance in having an apology and playing the fool as if things could ever change...I have nothing but the same answers and being forced to be and stay in an open relationship is too much for me to emotionally handle. You're so mean to keep me hooked to you. I hate whatever game we're in. I have no idea where you want to go or where you are going with me. You know you still have me in some ways and can make me break a sweat and have emotional feelings for you, but I know I am consciously making the choice to not be your fool and believe in you. I don't know what you want or whatever else it is that you want to get at. I am in pain.

Hey Valentine

I don't get you and I'm sorry that I don't get you. I'm too tired and weak right now. I really find it doubtful that I have cheated on you more than you have cheated on me. You probably still have a couple of women your keeping played and strung along with me. I don't like some of your present signs with your associations. Are you really crying for me and mad for me? You look like you have a lot of mixed emotions. While I'm weak, I'm still in my own sadness because even if I may have a piece of you, I feel strung along. I feel like you want to continue to be unfairly possessive of me and be the same pattern of so many other men. It's like your mad and want to punish me and make me your slave at the same time of you possibly be wanting to protect me of something else... I can understand so much but I feel so love sick. I'm sorry if I cheated on you and let you down more than you did with me, but I have a feeling you're more of a bad guy and probable betrayer than I am. Maybe in your mixed feelings you have resentment and regret of the bad guy you were against me, but I am still weak, confused, and that I don't understand you and what it is you want. You're not the first guy who has forced me to stay stuck on him and refuse to let me get over him. You make me feel so love sick. I know there is a part of me that isn't over you yet, but if you're not my match of a man, I need you to stop refusing to let me get over you.

1st guesses, 2nd guesses

TAKING A GUESS. .... My first guess was either: 1. THE Boogie Man Coach could (further either) a. be serious ~I'm (ME) the TSA bitch~ b. be wanting me to run into his knife, his fist, or something... 2. Being pranked by some pranksters. If the truth is 1A, I keep it at our somewhat personal discretion and have no further comment for now and something for him to find out on his own. ............. My second guess is that someone is intentionally fucking with both the coach and I and giving us both a death threat. and wanting to turn me onto his jealousy. hmph. I know what some of my whiplashes are, but I am given 3 suspects of the death threat, and have no clue what their whiplashes are. What is David to expect of me when he makes me believe he is bisexual and into orgies? (The visual David gave yesterday looked pretty dominate and threatening but I continue to call the bluff of it all). David wants to fake it to make it for some reason if it is him... The other suspect is Trevor, military man from Morgantown. He knows my drill though. What makes Trevor different than the rest of the men who want to play me with my enemies? (I can't see him being subjective against me in my own sight). It is the fact that some women he chose (Erin and Bree Ann) have been serious criminal sex offenders before. What makes Trevor different?... The other suspect is the Navy Seal dude whom I still don't have much info on and is being unfairly possessive of me....... If there is a different man other than that who is giving us a death threat, he isn't being obvious with his identity enough.

Guessing in the Dark

Something is going on with someone or some people. There is a rage I can't guess out. While Tom may be coming off as a "hero," I'm not trusting anything. Tom and Jon are my 2 main suspects. It looks as if someone else is the prime target of a suspect, but he is very much of a stranger that I think could be arbitraged as Chris Z. Jim, Bob, and Chris Z are probably included in what is going on too. The last time the electric went out; it was Jon who was looming as the death threat and terrorist. Jon was always too impossible and there is no way out of Jon on my end. I have no apology in regards to what I said against his ignorances and totalitarianism. I had my own ugly talk that I'm not sorry for. Whether or not he will admit it enough, Jon knows he never won with me and never will. I guess I can only wait on how many more of whatever my days are numbered...... When looking at you; it is possible to have some suspicion, but I'm not sold on believing you are my bad guy. If you are being evil; I have a difficult time in believing in your evilness. I don't think you have AIDS. I think Tom and Jon do and passing on their disease is their death threat. Maybe Jim, Bob, and Chris conspire to bring Jon and Tom on me more. I'm pretty lost with whatever is going on in the dark. .......... I'm glad to see more positive signs from you in the media. I'm glad you smile. It takes away most suspicion of you being a cheater. I'm still stressed and have some doubt where you are cheating and aren't planning on being done with cheating. What if you do value one more or pay another more than me? Are you trying to pull the topic of prostitution and "what is love" back on me? I'm just strictly talking being a stripper and when a cheat looks like a cheat. You gave signs and sought back after me again, but YOU TELL ME whether or not I am being naïve that you value and want me the most and are done with cheating. Being naïve really isn't something I want to think about. I want to get over it and just be happily won with you. There is still some wonder and doubt. I can only keep taking each day as it comes. I will be mad if you continue to lead me on with no point. I'm sold on believing you want me and want me to want you.

In your bondage

David, .... Did you really give me that nightmare last night? It was like I woke up from it before I could wake up from it and it was scary. It was like I woke up and my room was pitch black. I tried to open my window and couldn't see, then darted for my door and flipped the switch, and then I panicked much harder because I was still blind and everything was black. Then, I woke up actually the second time. I'm glad that you like that I believe in God and don't mind at all. Are you a Christian? How devout would you consider yourself? I still don't like my sister and however you want us to communally get along. Although we both save face; I call myself a serious enemy of my sister..... I'm glad that you are with me in some way. I know I don't completely understand you... When I'm in my Flirt4Free chat room, it really is fun and games with nothing serious about it. I get horny sometimes because of my own sexual atmosphere. I definitely get horny when you seem to be around. Besides you having your occasionally suspicious jealousy, do you use either job against me? Are you mad at the job I have in being a dancer? Do you have your own way of making up "my unsaid idle tongue," where you would use my job against me? I'm not understanding what all your dominate actions are, if you could be meaning to test me, whatever way you mean to test me. David, do you have something you mean to say? You mean to have a jealous dominate anger that I don't completely understand? Is it just specific suspicions, or the whole caboodle? the actual job itself? .... Please don't make me too confused with who or what you are or what your actions say or you could verbally want to say. I really hope you're not being unfair or having a seriously mean double standard where I'm barely even cheating at all. xoxo

Random Thoughts and Drama

This past week and weekend has been tough. Business is sometimes unpredictable in the dancing world and this week was one of those bad weeks. People must be too busy with summer winding down and fall being started. Anyway, although I already hate having to work 4 days in a row, I have no other choice to pick up an extra shift tonight. Although I don't plan on waking up extremely early tomorrow, I am still losing my beauty rest. I'll have to have some extra caffeine which probably is a reason for having so much anxiety and insomnia. I'm so excited for vacation. It has been YEARS since I have been to the beach. I was lucky to have been able to treat myself to my Canadian vacation a few months ago. The road trip with Mitzi is going to be an interesting one. It will be a little over 5 hours. I'm not sure how well my 3 year old will handle it. I did get my own beach cd burned. I love a fresh burned cd. I'm excited for the crafting season this year too. I wish I had more projects accomplished, but I still have a good number under my belt. lol. whatever expression I could say it. ............. Travel and Leisure. skipped a few articles, but some I just had to read. I don't know if Mike from WVU is seriously making a serious pass at me, or someone is dolling us around. I found out that he is one of my "Toronto" men. Ha! lol Awe, he is sweet if he is being around to support me in some ways. We haven't really kept in touch in literal ways since the fling a few months back. He is still on my good side......... Playing on...David Duchovny. He is a random surprise. I don't know where he came from. I don't really know what to say. Is he seriously being very serious with me? What did I do to get his attention or interest? Why does he want me? If he really is that serious and really loves me that much, what did I do to win him? Do I really have him won effortlessly? Maybe he has a few tactics to just want to get in my panties. lol. I don't know. He is a lot to look up. I never realized how many movies and TV shows he was in. He is also a musician. More famous than I realized. .... so much going on and so much on my mind I may have forgotten to bring something up. My mind is full and full of questions and curiosity. ...getting ready soon to get to work. Hopefully tonight will be much better and make up for the crappy week........

Waiting Out or Don Draper no chance despair?

I continue on in wanting to find out more about you. I'm a little angry at how things go and the way it sometimes seems that storylines are too made up or just far out. I know I sometimes get emotionally carried away myself sometimes whether or not it is fair to the other person of interest that I'm interested in. However, I am usually not the one who makes up a lot of stories. I always do everything and anything I can to communicate. (I guess so in most cases. I can be secretive). A prime example of someone making me up: Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I thought it was funny, but I had a little anger. Did I really have 2 boyfriends who seriously cared and gave themselves that much of a real life credit? I never even knew I had a boyfriend. While I still feel on the bottom with you, and you having questionable extents of credibility with Ben Affleck, and possibly Scott Disick, are you that emotionally carried away? Did you see us in a relationship, already having me, and everything is already ruined? Whatever Steve. It just isn't fair. I may have let you down in the past because I wasn't awake to you enough, nor smart enough to catch onto you to be more interested and pay more attention. I know I'm not completely understanding your tangible silence or intangible talk....... Maybe you are waiting for me to watch more of your movies. Maybe I really have no chance at all. Maybe you are my personalized Don Draper, and I am your personalized Megan and I have a chance. While I can't make myself seriously believe anything, I care to care. And no, Chance Chapman is not another person I am meaning to talk to when I talk to you. I am only looking at you right now Steve.

Don't know how to play it safe

Hi James. You want to be my friend, don't you? Although you have scored some points with me, you also gave me reasons to run from you. Arbitrage arbitrage arbitrage. I think you know the main man that I'm presently attracted to. I still want him. BUT I don't know how to play it safe. He does have a long term girlfriend who he has brought up and seems to stick with. Therefore, it should be fair to continue to say that there are other fish in the sea and to share whatever and anything I would want to share with someone. Besides the aspect of that fairness, is another aspect of unfairness. Silent games, secrets, and the continued unexplained mystery of messages and visuals in one's mind and head. Questionable telepathy. There is no fairness or safety in it. The devil's got a gun in my mind alright. I had such a nightmare the other night and I'm so upset about it. Although it was just a dream, I have never felt so off guard and caught by surprise. It was a death threat of what would happen if I did get seduced by him. I don't feel safe in either giving in to him or not giving in to him and the possible way the arbitrage would carry on and pass the buck to you. He does seem like he wants to be on my good side, and the sign with you today is another thing to convince me that he wants to be on my good side, but I feel the threat is still there and I don't know why. That is the main thing: I don't know why. I could get on my knees and cry for my life, but what if he or someone else would twist it to say that I'm saying I'm sorry for something I'll never be sorry for? I'm lost with him. I don't want to be deceived or lied about. .................. McDonalds. Do you or him think all talk is cheap or your talk is cheap or that it is just another thing taken out of context? I don't mind hearing your 2 cents out of what you thought about with the humility of working at McDonalds with your status. In some ways I can agree with what you are trying to say, and in another way, I disagree. Some people do work to earn better or other skills and qualifications in whatever field and shouldn't feel inhibited in pursuing their interests. In my personal life, my main objective is directed more at something else. I know people do have prejudices and jealousies. I know the way I was violently treated by some people and management. Yes, I am too good to be: treated like a dog, intentionally over-under-estimated and expected to prove myself in the worst way, made to be a subjected victim to another persons lie's, rumors, or will to control my life. People always crossed the line with socialism where it was never relevant to the job to begin with. I never know who anyone ever thought they were to want to control me, judge me, or threaten my everyday life and the choices that I made as a person. People were never right to disrespect me, dog me, and treat me the way they treated me. YES I AM ABOVE ALL OF THE ABOVE. .......... People can try to switch subjects or change the agenda all they want, but there is a truth that will still always be there. I guess I'm a little more satisfied when people dodge or run rather than insist they were right to dog me, but it doesn't change the history that has already been made. ............ I'm not completely sure what to think of you James. I am going to make myself watch "The Interview," but it really isn't something I've been looking forward to. Besides that, you and you know who have me curious. I don't want a threesome or orgy.

Colin

Am I seeing things, or am I seeing things? Some things are more convincible than others. I could have a sociopath messing with my head right now, but I'll go with the flow anyway. Christian Laetner. Your name of the night. Laetner, Late. I'm guessing that it could be an apology: who are you to judge me with "Florida," when you are too late. I know some people can take things their own way, and this is the way that I would take your name game. ha! lol. Introduction to the friends and family who probably aren't the literal real people either. lol. ha. Right now you're in the middle of too less and too much, but sometimes I don't like to use my imagination too much. "Florida." First off, I don't always like the paranoia with code names and when people don't always know when to take me figuratively or literal. Florida is the place where I would like to take Mitzi on vacation this year. I'm thinking the Florida Keys. I'm not sure if I want Disney to be the first vacation. I'm not too crazy on Disney. I think they may have a few crackheads or capitalist loyalists who gang up on someone. If I ever take her to Disney, Disney will be the picked over vacation spot. Besides being far off on a different rabbit trail, is back to Florida. I'm not a hypocrite or one-sided with "one can't take real actions back in time." When something is said or done, something is said or done. I know I'm not a real prostitute, or have ever made any real actions of being a prostitute. Sometimes, it is the heart of the matter. While there are ways that I will always be mad at the world, I still believe in snowflakes. Not everyone is the same. Although a person can't always control their anger, feelings, or burned out bias with someone else in an earlier life, it isn't ok to displace those feelings on someone else or make someone a problem they never were. Some capitalism can be unfair, and the trust issue is not always easy, and can be a greatly complex matter. You have betrayed my trust in some ways, but in other ways I feel I can trust you. I don't know how to describe it. You just seem nicer and softer. I still have my doubts with you in that I have uncertainty in how much I could have you, or you could want me. It means something for you to stay persistent with me and that I could be something else to you. I'm not sure if you have completely removed your threat of me being second "seeded." You womanizer. Although I can warm up to you again and come back around, I'm not completely sold out and have my hesitations. I may have the available time to watch some of your show tmw. You'll be on my mind until then.

This might hurt

..... I have yet to talk about the fact that you look like Justin and the "Fonzi," connection. I'm afraid to know the truth with that. When it comes to simple terms, I had a crush on the DJ, then on D Atri, and then on the DJ again. I was never official with any of them, and the crush I had on the DJ comes and goes. Zooey Dashcenel, did give me more of a hint the other day, and I can't help but wonder more about you. I don't want to know but I can't go on in ignorance either. Everything is fun and games until someone finds out a little more info. There was a night that the DJ gave me a pretty brutal, hateful, criticism. I wasn't always sure what was seriously going on in his end. My DJ'd response was: "Spirit in the Sky," and "Breaking the Girl." His tyrant obsession bit really hard. Is it that you think the same thing he does, or was he just speaking for D'Atri? I know I'm not understanding what all of your dominate aggression is. I'm guessing you are giving me several good vibes, but I'm not sure where or how we started and where it is you want to go. I'm afraid to know more about you and what you're thinking...

Colin

I'm not talking myself up too much that you're mine (I hate that I have to be so defensive like that)(I question if you are being lied about as the arrogant man you supposedly could be. I think some people could be making some stuff up about you)... I am assuming you are just as much of a player as any other man. I think there is a rivalry going on between you and Jon fighting over me. You're the one that I would most willingly pick between the two, and I'm not meaning to make you jealous. Maybe you are wanting to be my James Bond. I feel like I'm already over murdered by Jon. I know he plays dumb too much. Even though I know I'm attracted to you, I wish I could trust you more. Although I'm still gungho in my snowflake war, I don't want to feel like I'm jumping from one problem into another very similar one..... In one side thought, I think John Atchison may still be trying to mark me as his, but I deny him all the way. I'm mad at his lies and the credit that he thinks he has. ... Anyway, I thought I'd say hey, and see you around later.

Frank I feel like talking to you

Bits and pieces of arbitrage and shares you want to talk about? I'm still not exactly sure who you are. It is like the mother of all blind dates. Barilla and Paul Rudd. ha. Jon identified himself in Barilla too (eyes closed). I know there is/was a little going on with Colin. I don't like that he would identify me with Lisa or Maggie. ...... Frank, today was a bad day. There was some bad news and sad news. I'm not going to say the sad news, but the bad news is that a water line from work broke and I don't know when the club is going to open again. I don't like being vulnerable to my pay. ....... Other than today is kind of back with history... hmph. It is almost as if you could give yourself the credit of being my Mr. Smith, or the architect. Not just with the casino, but a lot of other things that led up to and was at the break in the casino. I really was proud to be fired. Even without the safety net of being a prostitute. I was proud to be fired. While I kept my pride, I still had an anger that once again it was my life and resources that were on the line where I was the one to be scapegoated again. I have such a sincere frown against so many employers and the fact that it was always there choice to creep their way into my personal life to be possessive, controlling, or blackmailing. Not one single place that I've worked at should have ever crossed the lines they crossed or to have threatened or judged my life the way that anyone and everyone has always had. It is one constant Stockholm after another and life HAS NEVER BEEN FAIR. I think there is an odd that you could be Becky's baseball player boyfriend, but I'm not entirely sold on that. Maybe it is Sid, and some other random men who are in it against Jon and in it for their cheating girlfriends. I know I'm not the only girlfriend who cheats on Jon. I'm not sure of the women who could be involved with Jon and how the affairs have gone. I know it was really Tom that I was looking at when I was cheating on Jon. Technically, it wasn't cheating. I have been screaming him out of my life for a long time and still have never let him win at winning me in a relationship. I'm not the swinging type and it does bother me sometimes when I'm still being a slut with him in the head. It's not that I was with him or his people when we were off and on in the head. I continue to label him as an enemy and really hate the ignored victim that I am and that he will never seem to understand just how severely angry he makes me. This whole thing is awkward. My guess is that it is either Becky or Bree Ann that you want to hate me for. I can't take back the Tom Petty "Mary Jane's last dance," or Madonna "Die Another Day". I never gave you or them the power and the arrogant vanity that they give themselves. I still don't know who they think they are or why they think they are deserving to express dominance over my life the way they do. I still consider them my nigger and wouldn't be surprised if they believed in the sharia law. It isn't my fault that you would be a tyrant in my life along with Jon the way you are. I could question if you are ganging up together but that's not what I'm meaning to say. I could guess you and him got into a fight and could be over it, but I don't know. I really hate your dad and don't like talking about him or bringing him up. ..... You really could have been the one to push me over the edge with Tom and Barilla in your own structured rig and system. Although I'm not a prostitute, I know I can't stay a stripper forever. I don't know what the future holds Frank. I think I could do it for another year before I try to look for another normal type of job, and then I still don't know just how bad of a tyranny that it will be. I really don't know what you want Frank.

My New Boyfriend

(Colin, in getting real with myself, I really don't think I have any serious kind of chance with you.) (I know I don't know you well either, and maybe it could be a good thing). Any way, if you are wanting to be my protector against Jon in some way, I am appreciative. It looks like I'm getting a reaction out of him this time, and it is probably a reaction that I or someone else has gotten out of him before: Calvin Harris, "Bottle Popping." Maybe he has his own backwards demands and begging? I don't care. During the millions of times he cheated on me, most of the cheats were never the impression of it being because I was the cheater first. I do not believe in polygamy. If he was being monogamous in the most least believable way; I seriously was not sold into believing I was his number one. So what I'm trying to say (to a sportscaster who will always be prone to having an eye for fairness) .... It isn't fair for him to put some kind of guilt trip on me, or to manipulate me back to him. Knowing the devil that he is, he should know the devil that he is!!!!!! .......My general overall view is that sometimes I find relief when people believe in having fairness in relationships. However, players and gamers can go too far sometimes. I will always think that relationships should be about the actual person you want to be with the most. Sometimes, it seems that the games and structure of it all will always matter more than that person one supposedly wants to be with. So many times I find myself saying "Why won't you just admit that you don't like me?" Something along those lines. There obviously is a different underlying issue or prejudice and sometimes people just don't know when to get real. I know we are talking literal sports here, but I'm sure you have some kind of opinion on relationships too. You definitely seem to be the quieter type, but I'm thinking you really have your eye on someone else. I'd just thought I'd say "hey," anyway and be appreciative of you if you really are being protective of me.

On my Back

Hey Justin D. I know you're around in some way or another... While I think I may have hurt you in one way with One Republic, I'm upset that you think I hurt you by denying your existence. Besides being upset at that, I feel a present possible betrayal. I know I have kept you betrayed pretty much the whole time. But, if I could think of a better way of wording it, I made the choice of Olga: I never made any effort to try to get you in my life. I ignored you. I lived in my own independence and my own little world. I kept anyone's dominance and ways of labeling or defining me denied. I didn't deny your existence and YES THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN IGNORING SOMEONE AND DENYING THEIR EXISTENCE. My walls have been up for a long time and they are starting to crash down and I'm not sure the way you are going to be charging through. I am giving you the personal credit of me being terrified of YOU. I'm starting to notice more in the TV world. (I really don't watch much TV)... I am now going to plan on watching the "Forever," show. I'm not sure what to expect. I'm not sure how much of a truth it is. You are the one who needs to identify yourself. Until then I've got you on my radar and I am guessing.

As the Sarah Turns: Feeling so Squeezed

The walls are closing in in a certain way, and I feel I can hardly breathe........Hmmm. I'll call you LB this time........... It isn't that I don't want LB. I just don't understand him. I think he is clearing some arbitrage up with me, but he still has me blind-sided with some things. I feel he wants to impossibly pigeon-hole me in a way where I can't win: the job, or him (possibly where I may not have him and he wants to rig me out). Sometimes, he makes me feel like I could be his Roxanne, but I'm not entirely convinced on that. I feel squeezed on both ends where it is impossible/acceptable/unacceptable to just play each other with different people: we are both players..... LB isn't an easy man to understand. He was making it hard to breathe and talk anyway. I don't know why we haven't actually spoken to each other and get real with each other. It is a game of distance.....I could go with my gut with some things I see already. But, is it that I should see it that way, or just see it for face value? Are we playfully and kindly playing a game of matador, or is there something about you, LB that I should catch on to? ................ Not everything I do is made to assume or read into. Some songs could be questioned but not taken too seriously. I'm guessing that everyone is in their own house of reps in one way or another in this instance. ............. I'm really not sold on anyone. I guess I could see myself as a player, flirt and someone who has interest.

Farmer Man, Stay Close

I'm seeing some signs today that I'm not sure about. You leave me in confusion......... Where do I start? Maybe you really are smiling over the Fergie "Clumsy" song. lol. I know I'm not the creator of it all, and wasn't really around during the time Fergie was going on. Josh Duhamel looks a little like Joe doesn't he? Joe really is an enemy of mine. I consider him as another grotesque predator; he has never won. We were never an item. That is my side of the story in a short, summed up way. I can't and won't be manipulated out of my truth. So, either you want to give me a negative sign with "Joe," or you are innocently ignorant........... Stay close to me Farmer Man. There is information about me that will not be ignored and it will never workout if you don't take me seriously. I have a lot of people in my life who corrupty, dominantly, sickingly egocentrically give themselves credit over anything and everything that I do. As if I was choosing them or doing something or living for them. Stay doubtful of people when you see this. My hesitance with you is, that I see the seagulls you have now with the "Mine mine mine mine mine" Like the seagulls have you owned and want to take the real credit you have from you (One person I see is Bree Ann Mackey and possibly Shawn D Atri). I have hated the constant harassment in my life. I am not responsible for the crackhead egocentric assumptions and judgement placed on me. Most of the time I ignore it. I am not the cleaning maid who lives to battle out and clean up every numerous shot call/ credit claim that is placed on me from day to day. I know part of the damnation in my life is because of how I react to people. Some authorities wrongfully hate me for refusing to be involved in the crackhead and egocentric gossip. They do blame me for the gossip of others I was never responsible for. I know this is a reason people keep me damned from having a job or keep me damned from other things. Farmer Man, I hope you don't get too arrogant on me for the little bit of emotional connection we have. I want to keep you around and don't want to lose you. I want you to get a little closer to me....waiting to see if you are going to come around for me......

Good and bad and good and bad news

Edward, Although it has been made to be normalized and there have been times I have had no choice to give in, I am still mad that you haven't literally called me and talked to me. The good and bad of the Kaiser Chiefs and the God complex that comes with it. When the Kaiser Chiefs should understand to let go of making giants out of themselves to talk to their wanted through the wanted's small window in a skyscraper. How bigger he is than the skyscraper just besides the window. I hate structure too, but does some (real reverse structures) have to be so ridiculous or extreme about communication? This is how I smell a man's intimidation or fear. Maybe I am being manipulative because I just can't seem to find a more effective way of coming across to you.......... The thought of "The Police," though was sweet. The song just can't grow old. It'd be a shame if you did abuse the song too much and make it grow old for the literal time that won't be spent. Don't know whether that statement was good or bad. The good news is I am happy that you are somewhat here, but I'm not necessarily laying my life down. Another good news is, I remember the time you kissed me in the car when we were at the stoplight and I can guess what that was about. You know you know you have a good idea of what I want (bashfully agreeing I want my own Carlos). You knew my sincere freeness and you knew you didn't have to give me money for my sincere affection. You appreciated my appreciation. xoxo............ The bad.......... Your unfairness. I did notice the way you questioned and/or accused me with some specific people or things. Edward, you really are classified as a new one. No matter how much structure some men have together, I can make my own choices any time that I want to of ignoring, overlooking, or acknowledging anything that I want to. Your persistence does show some integrity that: you don't know some things about me. I'm not sure if you understand which threat you do bring with some persistence. Maybe you are pure in heart and really have some kind of possessiveness or jealousy where you do not like the idea or want me to be a swinger as either a straight or bisexual slut. Maybe this is about pushing me to compromise where you do want me to be a bisexual swinger for your own self-seeking. You want me to give up on my green eggs and ham fit and say that every woman won and I never denied any woman. I will not compromise. I do consider some women to be my nigger rapists. I consider some men in being nigger rapists as well. My mind has been made up with green eggs and ham. Although some very rapist violent and piggish men want to argue tooth and nail with it and lie about my truth; there are still differences between being raped/robbed vs. me being the one to seriously give in, and accepting anyone and everyone's green eggs and ham. Edward, you already made the choice to not call me at all. Not even on Christmas. Not even on my birthday. I did take it as maybe I really just am a one night stand. The truth is, I still miss you and do want you to make literal effort and action to keep in touch in a normal way, but some men just go and ruin it for the way things have to be done their way. You can just call me Ruby for now. I can take some burns and then I decide when I don't take anymore. I really wasn't meaning to burn you this past weekend. It was just another fling in my eyes. I can guess at the love square I am in right now with you, me, Erin, and Travis. I do not want a foursome. Erin is still an enemy and will always be one. I still am suspicious you could wanting to gangrape me for her sake or that you are into the both of us. Travis? I still don't know him well enough and your present luck is that it is still easier to be easy with you than it is with him......................... I really do hate the way I have to be so straight forward, but I also hate the way I feel you keep threatening my overall will to live and my sexual will to live with either lies or exploits.......Maybe you were just on a mission to show me some gossip with how some connections are made with some people. Do you really see me as a step-parent Edward? Who is my Bruce? Maybe that is why they called you a teenager or saved you from being murdered by speaking a possible X-rated truth. I really don't want to know. I don't care to know about the Kardashian's at all. ......... How can we end this on a good note Edward? It can't be completely good because of the mean control freak you are or an intentional destroyer you want to be. There is a difference and I can't tell which one you are. You can call me Ruby for now.

Some eyes on Me

And I am feeling a little more suffocated. If there were someone to give into, it is impossible to give in. I wouldn't know how to give into someone if I were suppose to. Tom, I am taking another hint from you. Nothing to say about it. other secrets I keep......hmmmmmm....... I think someone is getting a little more aggressive on me, but not sure if he gets they way he is impossible at this point. Walls are closing in in ways that don't make sense. Maybe he is just being fun and games or maybe he is seriously angry and vulgar. He is just too impossible. I am a cat up in a tree.